You Shall Be Called

I'm thinking about changing my blog title!  But then again...I guess what I write is according to me and no one else isn't it?

Things have been rather busy as of late. I think I say and think that all the time though so you are probably saying to yourself, "whats new?"  Yeah, I get that!

A few years ago I began this journey to wholeness in a whole new way, at a whole new depth. It all started when my dad died in January, 2 years and 4 months ago. I realized, later, after the fact, that losing him did something very deep in my heart that I could not grasp for a long time. It was so cellular, SO deep I just couldn't even understand what was happening, but the Lord slowly began to open the eyes of my heart and help me to see that losing my dad had closed a chapter of my life I was not ready to close, that I was suspended as a child, waiting for her daddy, her knight in shining armor to arrive and rescue her from all of lifes troubles.  He passed away and my knight was gone.  It was traumatic in such a deep sense for me that I did not really even realize it for a long time and, to be totally honest, I still, on occasion, will feel the sharp knife-like stab of loss, of time passed, of missing, of longing, of hoping, of despair at what won't  be....Its a strange place and it happens at the strangest times. I know I hang on to him still.  I still have the number to the care facility on my phone, I can't delete it....I wonder when I will be able to.  I sometimes talk to him and tell him I miss him and wish he were here.  

But suddenly, I sense the Lord teaching me something new in the midst of all the chaos of life.  I have, for the most part, taken the pain of losing my dad, and given it to the Lord. I have managed to understand so much of what I felt (feel) and what I did not get and what I did not have as a daughter of what I consider to be a great man, but just a man.  I am grateful for what he gave me.  The Lord is showing me a whole new side to life and I am excited by what that means.  I am excited to hear Him calling me to live in a whole new way, look at things from a different light (HIS) and to be willing to see that my life has purpose, my life has a calling, my life has a point.  For so long I chose to believe the enemy of my soul rather than the lover of my soul. I chose to believe that I was not wanted, I was not planned, I was not special, I was not delightful, I was not loved, I was alone...I was...I was...I was....I was not...I was not....I was not.....Sad to say, it is often easier to believe the lies than the truth isn't it?  I am learning to stand, learning to stand FIRM...my feet will have to remain firmly planted on the Word, the soles of my feet sunk deep into the soil of His love for me, His Word for me, and my choice to stand there and nowhere else, the decision not to run to what I know,  what is comfortable for me will have to be fought for, prayed for and hard won.  I am excited by the new challenge, I am terrified by the new challenge.  I am feeling like a bud on a tree at the tail end of winter, I know that I am going to open up and be beautiful, and yet I know I must endure a bit of cold, a bit of wind, a bit of rain and maybe even a bit of hail BUT the Lord has promised that I WILL open, that I WILL bud out, that I WILL flower and that my world will be more beautiful because HE put me in it.  Without Him I am nothing, without His will for me, His plan for me, I will fail, without Him walking me through, teaching me, holding me and helping me, I will fail.....BUT, I know that He will never leave me, He will never forsake me....It is ME that must not move, it is me that must stand.

And so I do, I stand.   I walk through pain, I walk through suffering, being willing to look at what is happening, being willing to stop, listen, wait, pay attention, hold on, let go and learn.  Its not easy but it is worth it.  Its not the first time I have felt this way, its not the first hard time I have had to walk my way through and I KNOW that my God is right there with me.  It is my choice to believe what He says, it is my choice to stand in the truth and to listen to what He wants me to do.  I can run and hide, I can walk away from Him, I can walk away from what He has for me, but I will not change, my life will not change.  He WANTS me to see, to go through, to be okay with suffering, with pain, with longing, with sorrow...because JOY comes in the morning!!!! I can be happy, I can be joyful even in the middle of struggle!!!

Oh happy day! I am washed clean, I am a new creation, I am His daughter, I am His beloved, I am His delight....

You shall be called A City Not Forsaken, You shall no longer be called Desolate; you shall be called Sought Out, the Redeemed of The Lord, Servant of the Most High God, You shall be called Hephzibah, FOR THE LORD DELIGHTS IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An old song we used to sing, back in the day, comes back to me right now...

I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Outcast, Wounded, Lonely or Afraid

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming One
Faithfulness, Friend of God,
One Who Seeks My Face...

One Who Seeks My Face!