My daughter, my joy...

Yesterday my amazing daughter wrote a blog about me in her blogspot. Kris, you have to check out her blog, it is great! Anyway, I was reading this blog, describing me, describing her feelings about me being her mom, being a stay at home mom, and I kept thinking, as tears poured down my cheeks, I don't deserve this praise, I don't deserve the love of this incredibly beautiful woman! And following that thought? I am so glad she loves me and has extended me so much grace! :o) You know, when you give birth to a baby, you have just spent nine or so months pondering what this baby will look like, who will it resemble? You hash and rehash names, talking about where it will sleep, looking at the most adorable clothes on the planet and imagining dressing it. You never really think about, with any kind of reality, the work that will go into caring for this infant, from the moment it is born, until, well, one of you passes from this earth. And you know what? I think God intends for it to be that way. We, as moms, cannot even begin to conceive the sacrifices we will be called on to make during the life time of that child, or children. I am so honored that my daughter recognizes some of my gifts, it brings me to tears. When our kids are little, it is pretty easy, keep em warm, keep em dry, keep em loved, keep em fed...pretty basic. Then they begin to have thoughts of their own, expressions of their own, independance, and then the work of letting go truly begins. It is such a slow and in depth process that we rarely really recognize it is happening, we just go with it. I look back and think, man, I was on autopilot a lot of the time, coping with things as they came up, a lost sock, a misplaced shoe, a hungry child, a sad child, one that needed a hug, one that needed a hug but wouldn't accept one, it often overwhelmed me, I am sorry to say, but I wouldn't trade one overwhelmed day for any of the quiet ones I now get to have.

Moving into the teen years, into the middle school years presents its own sets of challenges, too numerous to list. I have been so blessed to have four children that went through the middle school years with relative ease, some more than others. High school became a living hell in some ways, but in others a welcome relief. Ah the dichotomies of motherhood.

I look at this amazing daughter of mine. The little girl who used to cry for a sister because all she had were these "awful brothers" now looks at them and treasures each one of them. She always was the little mother hen watching over her chicks. Even at a young age I could trust her to make sure nothing happened to either one of the younger boys. When she and Matt were young they almost had to be seperated at night they would find some way to talk, some way to spend the night hours in one anothers rooms. I now regret getting angry at them for that. This is the daughter that looks at her oldest brother with hope and reverence, love and admiration, deeply caring about not only his physical well being but his spiritual well being, I know she will tell her little baby all about Uncle Matt and how he was her hero as a child, her great tormenter as a teen, and her restored brother and friend as an adult. It has been her that pursues each one of them, nurturing a relationship with them that defies understanding. She prays, as I do, for each of them, understanding them as only a sister can, knowing many of their secrets and caring about their hearts. Her closeness to Ryan is a wonderful and beautiful thing as their similar personalities lend themselves to that kind of relationship. When I hear that Aaron was the only brother that would play "house" with her, I understand the deep tenderness that abides in her heart for him. She gleans out the nuggets and holds them in her hand as gold, hugging them to her when she is sad or lonely for them. Each one of her "boys" will be a treasured uncle to her babies. One of my favorite qualities about her, one I love because I admire it so much, is her self abandonment. She isn't afraid to love with her whole heart, to be silly with her family, to lay down her pride and love, simply for the joy of it. That quality makes her one of the most incredible women I have the priviledge to know. I wish I could say that she is more like me than her dad, but she isn't, she is so much like him in so many good and wonderful ways.

Kay (after me) lee (after dad) you are a wonder to me. Thank you for being my daughter. Enjoy each and every minute of this pregnancy, birth and babyhood. As the song says, "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by fast..." take each day as a blessing and leach out of it what you can because I promise you, one day you will look back with a stunned look on your face, wondering what happened to all those years, it will be then that the memories you tucked away will surface and bring you a mixed sense of grief and joy, comfort and sorrow, and you will be grateful to relished the days, stayed at home to be a mama, and changed a million dirty diapers! Trust me! I love you with all the love a heart can hold and you are my favorite Kaylee human in all the world!