I will walk...

It has been a long time since I did much blogging of any kind or with any consistency but I haven't really had very much time or inclination.  But I have had some time to think lately and I hope I have at least one blog in me for right now! :o)

John and I just got back from a weekend camping.  The whole week before we left had been pretty hard for us for lots and lots of reasons but as I was spending some much needed time with the Lord, away from all the chaos of life, I heard Him whisper, "You and John come away" into my heart.  I am grateful to have a husband that will listen to me and when I told him, he agreed.  It may also have something to do with the fact that he really needed to get away too.  So all last week we busted our rears to get things done around here...yep, I painted the house in one week, and on Thursday morning we excitedly got up really early and pulled out of here before anyone was up in our house.  We had a general idea of where we wanted to go but since neither of us had ever been there, we weren't completely sure of our final destination.  It was a wonderfully sunny, HOT day and we had really good conversation and time of reflection.  We ended up doing some "touring", which, pulling a  33 foot fifth wheel trailer behind you is not all that easy to do and had to stop at the Ranger station to get some kind of idea of where we might fit, and in the early afternoon hours, we arrived in Olallie Campground, about 60 miles or so, up on MacKenzie River. GOR-GE-OUS!!!! Oh wow, what a beautiful drive, huge majestic trees and a crystal clear river rushing along was just what we needed to start our vacation.

We got all set up and settled into our camp site and then did a little more touring...it was a nice day to look around at all the other campgrounds in the area and see if we had landed the best spot we could! haha!

I could go on about what we did but the weekend wasn't really about DOING anything it was more about just being together and working out some long standing issues that had been plaguing us for far too long.  We read together, prayed together, had long long talks and did a little bit of crying and apologizing.  We both had such a sense of the Lord in our midst the whole time and we were so grateful for the time we took away to just be together, I think we will be trying to do more of that now!

Marriage isn't for wimps and it certainly isn't for the weak.  I have been married to John for almost 27 years and I have to say I am still learning so much about him, so many things continue to surprise me, some good things and some not so good.  I am learning all over again to die to my own wishes for power and control and to relax and let the Lord protect me and cover me.  I am learning that, in all things, He doesn't just care about me and my "deal" but He cares about John and his "deal" too and He wants us to work together in harmony, in symphony...You see, I have, for some time, been so focused on being mom and stuff that I have, in some ways, forgotten how to just be a couple. In fact, in some ways, we both have.  We so love our kids and love to spend time with them but we are realizing that we must set aside time together, to talk, to laugh, to work out our differences in private, and it is healthy and healing to do that.

I am also being reminded of how much I have slipped into using my coping mechanisms.  My survival mode has always been anger and distancing myself from things, people, situations, and I have begun to have the Lord open my eyes the pain I not only cause myself but others around me.  I mean, it is such an effective mechanism, anger that is, and not only that but highly addictive, as addictive as heroin or cocaine is, that I have begun to have the Lord tap me on the shoulder as I drive down the road working up a good head of steam at someone and He says to me "you are doing it again"  and I sit there, feeling the weight of my anger, my sin and realize that it is getting me nowhere in a  hurry.  Funny thing is, I am not an angry person, but anger looks a lot like anxiety, worry, hurt, disappointment, frustration...and it comes out in snappy remarks, hidden agendas, manipulation, guilt, and, my king of all effective tools, withdrawl....It is easy to build castle walls around yourself when you are a little bit angry and it is easy to justify those walls with just a little bit of self talk!  I love that the Lord isn't content with letting us stay in the place we often find ourselves, in our sinful and selfish little worlds, full of self pleasure and self need....I am grateful that He cares enough to deliver me and begin the process of healing and revelation in my heart and mind that will result in freedom and release.  I have a lot to be released from sometimes, just like everyone else on the planet and I am glad He knows my name and cherishes my heart.

As I walked along, talking with my husband, on a long long hike we took to see this gorgeous pool that was the most azure blue I have ever seen (next to Crater Lake) and as crystal clear as glass, I began to sing in my heart a song many of you know "and I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see, because this broken road, prepares your will for me" and I started to think about this path John and I were literally and figuratively on...It was twists and turns, over hills, under trees, around logs and over roots. John kept tripping on the roots but because I walked behind him, I could see the obstacle and avoid it, I kept getting jammed up with my walking stick, hitting him with it, tripping over it...we both were sometimes stumbling, laughing over our trips and apologizing for them, but we ended up in the same place, on a cliff, overlooking one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen up close.  We each took great pleasure in our accomplishments, both separately walking the 6 mile round trip and collectively as we chatted, laughed, had some deep deep conversation and covered a few painful topics (made a little easier by the fact that we walked along) and stopping to hug or comfort one another as we strove to connect, let go, admit, and leave some things there along the trail.  It was a long, wonderful and glorious walk and I know that the Lord walked every single step with us and ordered each one.  Our trail, our journey is far from over in this place we find ourselves right now, we still have some work ahead of us, but I know, from the assurances that the Lord gave me before we ever left and the quiet peace He began to speak into my heart, that He will be with us, helping us, teaching us, guiding us and giving us what we need.  How much better does it get?