The Last and The First...

So there I stood, at the top of the bleachers, looking out at the final game Aaron was playing. The game itself wasn't going well, at least for our team, but the atmosphere itself was pretty cheerful. I kept thinking to myself, "wow, this is the last game I will ever watch one of my children play"... and my heart would fall. Then I thought to myself "wow! I won't have to sit in the bleachers again unless I WANT to"!! Talk about feeling torn... on one hand I was glad, very glad, and on the other, I was sad, very sad. It has yet to really hit me that I will no longer get to watch Aaron play ball again. Many times I sat in the gym this year, watching him and thinking, wow, this boy looks like Matt. Many times I had to remind myself that it wasn't Matt. Their expressions, their frustrations, their mannerisms seemed to take on such a similarity out on the basketball field I often found myself feeling like crying, watching the one son mirror the other. It was odd and oddly comforting. I am proud of him, proud that he played the game to the best of his ability, even when he felt like it could have been done better. I am proud of him, that he understands that it is "just high school basketball" and didn't put too much of himself into the win loss colum. Were there disappointments? You betcha. Several times we rode home from a game with Aaron being completely silent in his frustration and disappointment, but most of the time he was fairly philosophical about it. What a wonderful heart he has.

Since Matty was in second grade we have sat in a gym every single winter, often watching MANY games for many grades. We sat and watched Matt play all the way through to 7th grade, Kaylee to 8th grade, Ryan to 4th grade and Aaron, well, all the way, with only one year off his freshman year. John coached each one of our kids, most times, with the little guys, on his knees, "walking" back and forth on the court on his knees, so that he could talk to them. He coached Aaron all but one year until he got into high school. I have sat in gyms from one place to another, cheering or jeering or reading a book...When Ryan and Aaron wrestled I would wait for their matches and then go to the mat, as loud as any other wrestling mom in the gym. I met other moms on other teams (mostly in wrestling) and even one of the coaches became a friend of mine. This season, this final time, I stood and watched my boy and closed a chapter in my life. It made me realize that I was ready, it was time. He is ready. I have been down this road before, obviously but this time, well, this time it is the last time. It feels so strange and so strangely freeing.

I have learned alot these last 6 years about letting go. I clearly remember looking out the window of my car, watching my 18 year old son walk away to go into the military. I remember seeing his back and that he never looked back, his hands clenched at his sides...I remember the day I watched my sweet girl walk down the terminal in the airport, having just got her back, not wanting to let her go, knowing I must. I remember standing in the driveway early early one morning a little over a year ago, crying as a family, being as brave as we could, saying goodbye as he drove away for his big adventure. Aaron has yet to say his goodbye but the day is coming and I know it won't be any easier than it has any of the many other times I have had to let go. But I will say this, the hellos make the goodbyes SO SO worth it.