Letting go...again...

Remember yesterday when I was talking about letting go? So many times I get this really amazing insight into something in my life, only to find out that I will get to live out this insight very soon. I should have known.

I haven't been talking to our oldest son too much lately. He is busy and has a girlfriend so I don't expect to talk to him too much, add to it the fact that he is a man of few words and it gets dicey, having a meaningful conversation with him on a daily basis. Matt has been in the Air Force for almost 5 years and has a re-enlistment looming over his head soon. He has been wrestling with doing it or not and when he stopped discussing with us, I became suspicious. Tonight I finally got to talk to him, and then go the nerve up to ask him what he had decided to do. He told me that he had indeed decided to do it and would make the arrangements while he was in Iraq for his 4 month tour coming up late this summer. At once my heart clenched and I started to cry. No, not the full blown cry, but I just couldn't talk, I didnt even know what to say. He knew, all our kids know when I am upset, and he said, "you didn't want me to reenlist did you?" "No, I answer, I didn't, but it wasn't my decision to make, it isn't my life." Talk about LETTING GO!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Moly!!! I hate hate hate this! Where in the world does it say that you have to let your kids live all the way across the states, making lives of their own??? Oh yeah, it is that unwritten rule isn't it? I understand, I know, I get it, and yet, it hurts, no, I mean, it HURTS to know that our boy will continue to live somewhere but here, get married, have babies and make a whole big life, without us. When we have our kids, we never really think about what we will do when they grow up, after all, it is beyond our scope of imagining isn't it? Honestly? I am grateful for the life I got to have as a stay at home mom, being with my kids, homeschooling them for 2 years, watching them grow and learn and become who they are was something I got to be very hands on with and I wouldn't trade one minute of it for anything. So, I let go again. I let my own wishes go and allow decisions to be made that will hurt me, that will cause me to lay awake at night and to run to my Lord so He can comfort me (and once again soak my husbands shoulder with my tears). I make the decision to let them do what they feel is right, in order for them to learn and grow, to make mistakes and to make successes of their decisions. I am a very proud mom.

Have a nice Sunday evening everyone!