lessons....

There’s something about watching your child go through hard times that is gut wrenching. Duh, you might say. But, watching the struggle, the pain, the worry, the fear and the disappointment on their face, is way different than feeling your own stuff.
John and I both keep waking up in the middle of the night. As we lay there, both of us are thinking of our children, of their struggles. We, admittedly worry and then worry turns to prayer and prayer, to peace. I have, many times, wrote about how hard it is to watch your adult children live their lives, but in these times, it is particularly hard. I feel such a burden for them, such a sense of urgency in prayer, that I don’t know that I have ever felt before. John is feeling that same sense of concern, that same feeling of need to pray. Why? Well, I suppose it has to do with the natural, the living out of life. Jobs are affecting Matt, Ryan and Bryce and Kaylee, in one way or another. Either the lack of a job, desperate need of a job or incredible unhappiness in a job, or having to leave your little one to go to a job, all of those things apply. School, growing up, growing out, learning, growing, becoming who God created them to be, is in and of itself a difficult journey. I also think it is the supernatural. The need to pray for our kids, their hearts their deep need of the Lord to come and hold them close.
As I write this, John and I and a very disappointed Aaron, who lost his fifth game in a row tonight, drive home in the truck, another game away from home, another disappointment, another time that he/they played their hearts out and lost, when they didn’t have to. I think of all the time we have spent in bleachers, all the years cheering our children on in some sport or another. Basketball, Track, Soccer, Cross Country, Wrestling, and Football have all been a part of our lives in some very big ways. Many times I have seen such disappointment on their faces, such deep pain that I have wondered if it was worth it. Matthew, who went out for basketball his senior year, denied the starting opportunity on senior night. Once during a soccer game, a slider kick came his way and his knee was never the same. Ryan, going out for wrestling as a freshman because his mama begged him to try it and daddy thought he’d be great, loved it. Injury struck his second year and by the end of his junior year, Aaron had to help him off the mat at district, so deep was the pain in his knee. I have never been prouder of my two boys, arm in arm, limping off the mat, Ryan still begging his coach to let him wrestle, John and I with tears in our eyes, watching from the stands as his hopes for state disappeared. Kaylee, trying for three years to make it to state in the high hurdles, an event she had grown to love because I loved them, something she wanted to do because it was something we did together as coach and athlete. Each year she fell just short of a chance to go. As I wondered again, “is it worth it?” I stood on the sidelines of her final race, the district finals of the 100, watching her warm up and take her first hurdle tries, I prayed and prayed, hearing Lisa beside me doing the same thing. As she flew over the hurdles, she was beautiful and as she sped across the finish line in first place, she turned, looking for me, who was screaming, sobbing and running for her outstretched arms. It was a moment I will never forget. Was it worth it? Yes, it was, oh yes it was. Was it worth the disappointment of Ryan not meeting his goal? To see the love of his younger brother and the deep affection from a team who had worked hard together, yes it was. It was something I will never forget and neither will he, it changed all of us. So as I sit here writing, with Aaron in the back seat, silent and hurting, frustrated and angry, I know it will be worth it, but not in the win loss column. It will be worth it in life, in the ways he has learned to overcome and be the bigger man, to not sell out his morals for something that is fleeting and worthless. Thinking back on the lives of our children thus far, I see so many lessons learned out there on the field of play, either on the court for basketball, the track, soccer field or wrestling mat, those lessons are ones they never forget, even when they aren't remembering them. Never give up, as was Matts case when he stepped into a sport he hadn't played since Junior high and, as a senior, gave it a try, not playing much but sticking with the team. That lesson has held up over many struggles he has had in his life, overcoming alcoholism being the biggest one.

So, as I close this good old blog, I wanna say one more thing. Kids, if you are reading this, I am infinitely, deeply, incredibly and immensly proud of each and every one of you, you are my rainbow! Love mom....