Life Lessons

I sit here alone in the family room, watching the rain drip on the deck and the flickering lightening roll across the sky followed by the rolls of thunder. The house is quiet, I am here alone. All weekend I have actually dreaded this moment, wondering how I would feel when I am at last alone with my feelings, myself. It isn't so bad really and the weather is actually appropriate for th eway I feel in some ways!

Lord, be with me this day. I have learned over the last year, to be willing to take the emotions, the feelings, out of the place they are stored in my brain, and look at them, seeing them for what they are. Right now, I am afraid. Afraid that a choice badly made can alter a life that I have invested so much into. I am also confident. Confident that the Lord I believe in is also concerned for this life I fear for and He is moving to answer the prayers of a desperate mother. I am sad. Vacation is over. It wasn't what we so desperately needed. I have to let go. I am lonely. This house is too quiet. What can I do to change that? I think I will listen to music! I am hopeful. I can not feel hopeless with a Savior loving me as He does. I am excited. Soon, very soon, our little granddaughter will be born and we will have a new love, a new one to grow with, to watch grow and have a whole new role with.

So, here I sit, with mixed emotions, wanting to run from them, to hide, to numb out and yet I know I must allow myself to feel them in order to heal through them. It is another chance for growth.

I learned a lesson from a little, nearly two year old, this weekend. Heidi and Domenick Picinic stayed at our house for a night, bringing their little Matthew with them. What a joy! What a beautiful little boy (picture a little blonde haired, curls on the ends, blue eyed, robust little fella). We so enjoyed them all, they brought a breath of fresh air into the house that we sorely needed. I watched Matthew playing, having a good time with every bit of his surroundings. At one point, on Sunday morning, we were all still sitting around in our pj's, Matthew had arisen very early and we were enjoying his antics and still getting caught up in our chatting. Matthew walks into the room with an open container of applesauce. Domenick says, "Matthew, did you open that applesauce?" Matthew says, "noooooo" and daddy says, "Matthew, are you lying to me? did you open the applesauce?" (keep in mind he is not even two yet) "yessssss" he says to his daddy. "would you like to eat it?" daddy asks and Matthew answers, "uh-huh" Domenick tells his little one, "well go and get a spoon," "OKAY!" Matthew replies, running with his little hands swinging into the kitchen, no idea where to find a spoon but obeying his daddy all the way.
The lesson? Admitting your sins right away, don't dilly dally around with answering father God with a lie, tell Him the truth, He knows it already but then let it go, don't drag yourself through the mud, but, well, run and get the spoon! If I apply Matthews lesson to my life, I see that I don't want to avoid telling God what is really going on, letting Him ask me, admitting it to Him in all honesty, even when the answer isn't pretty, and then allowing Him to feed me, to pull me up on His lap (as Domenick did with Matthew, feeding him the entire container of applesauce) and feed me His word, His lifegiving love. It was such an honest portrayal of a fathers care for his child. (and yes, I fell in love with this little boy) By the way: I have a picture of Matthew but will have to download it later, my computer won't read the disk for some reason.

Have a great day everyone, I am off to buy some groceries and spend some time with my daughter. I guess I should get some house work done too!