Scrapping

I sit here in my little corner of the house, in my jammies, scrapping. Worship music is playing in the back ground and I am cutting, thinking and planning. I have been doing some deep soul searching in these last months and I have begun to realize, sitting here at 11 am on a Monday morning, looking at pictures with which to scrap a page, that I have been healing while I cut and glue, pick out paper and think of what to journal. I have spent lots of time in my little corner, crying over pictures of my oldest son who is so far away and I long long long to hold him close and see the dear face of my beloved boy. I have sat and touched his face in a picture, praying for him as I put a page together. I have worked on a little scrapbook story book for my little granddaughter who is soon to be born and thought about what life will be like as a grandma. What and who will she look like? Will we be kindred spirits? Will we giggle together and play and laugh about the same things? I think so. I watch my sweet daughters tummy grow, lay my hand on my little girl and think, in this woman is the sweetest package known to man. My beautiful and amazing daughter is having a daughter of her own. Even as I write this my heart clutches and I feel such a sense of pride and anticipation at what is to come, not only for me and grandpa, but for her daddy and mommy. To know the deep devotion of love is to know the deep pain of letting go. I am grateful to be able to be a praying mom and grandma in those times I know that are ahead. I am thrilled to be able to see my little girl learn and be an excellent mom, with wisdom beyond her years. I have scrapped pages of our son Ryan, thinking what a mystery he has become to me. I have thought about him a lot and prayed for him a lot in these times as he learns who he really is and becomes a man. It is a struggle and it is necessary, but I miss him, miss our talks and the closeness we once shared. As I put a page together about him, I think about his heart, how soft and kind it can be and how tender and yet ferocious it can be. What an enigma he is. Aarons face is becoming that of a man now and it is there that my heart is truly breaking. My youngest. Oh how I will miss his sense of humor, his amazing sense of comedic timing and his ability to wrap me in a once a year hug that brings a sob to my throat. I love this child in a whole different way. He is my baby, he is my constant surprise, he is the strong willed one I barely identify with and yet, once in awhile a little window opens up and I see a man who knows justice, truth, righteousness and above all, honor. I am always struck by the amazing differences that one human being can contain.

Yes, I am surprised that these pages I scrap don't bear the marks of tears, of my heartfelt joy and sorrow of loving so hard that it hurts and letting go so well that your heart rips with the tearing of the strings. So as I make these pages to some day put into an album, I heal, I grow, I learn who I really am, who I want to be and who my family is. I see things from a different perspective and I am becoming more of who God wants me to be. So I leave now to go finish my page. This one is about me. Yes, I am going to do one about myself. Its time.

Have a joy filled day!