musings of a future...

Today has been kind of a rough day. I have struggled with my own feelings of being left behind, of being forgotten and not having a plan, a "big" goal for my life. I feel stuck, I feel lost in the whole idea of wanting something I can't have. As long as I can remember I have wanted to BE someone, oh I know, I AM someone, but I wanted to be a famous freelance writer, sought after by all the best magazines, a real career girl. Then I got married and had a family. I have never regretted for one minute my decision to let my dreams lay for a few decades :o) but now, I am itching, aching to do something meaningful, something that will make a difference, something that will put my stamp on the world. I know I could say that I have four children that do that, but I mean just for me, just by me, something only I could do. Writing has always been my dream, is it a schoolgirl fantasy? Is it something I truly can DO? I honestly don't know. I so loved journalling to the egroup gals, it was such fun and satisfying, but now that I am home from our trip, I have no venue, no outlet. So..... I am left to wonder, and to pray, again, WHAT IS IT LORD THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO?? I long for that question to be answered, for this longing in me, this unexplainable ache, to be dispelled. I wait for the Lord to tell me what more I was created to do, what is this feeling that I cannot deny and yet remains strong and yet vague in me? Oh how I wish I knew.

I have struggled today with feelings of jealousy and envy. I have wanted what isn't mine to want and have been feeling this sense of loss. As I talk to the Lord about it, about these feelings and that someone gets to do something I wanted to do, I think, "what is it that I AM going to get to do?" I know that the Lord has been whispering into my heart today, "Lucy, that wasn't for you, my plans for you are different." okay Lord, but WHAT are they? Please, please tell me, I grow weary in waiting for some kind of answer. I don't know if it is vain to wish for "fame" (the kind that comes from having my name on the front of a book as its author) or if I should look at my life and see all the wonders I have in it, and I do, I know I do, and just leave it at that. But if I am supposed to do that, how do I lay to rest the stuff that lays in my heart? I wish I had the answers.

I am going to continue to press in, to seek the Lord, to hear his voice, to make Him a priority. I know that if I do that, His word says that He will pour out blessing on me, He knows the plans he has for me, plans for a future, plans for hope. I must seek him and He will answer me. I know these things, and yet, my little old heart is bleeding!