Honesty....

I suppose its time to change the look of my blog...not that I write on here much these days but I still get to see the tab on my Google Chrome home page!  Things have been a bit hectic around here for long enough that it is hard for me to focus long enough to look for inspiration to write anything down. I haven't even been journaling that much these days!  That said, I feel like I am in a constant dialog (or is it whine session) with the Lord.  It feels more like me arguing and He just waiting until I get to the end of myself enough to listen...Nope, not quite there yet!  Now thats bare bones honesty at its finest folks!  Sorry.  

Our pastor, who is FANTASTIC, read the 23rd Psalm today and when he got to the "even though I walk through the valley" part I thought, Oh yeah, I am so there!  Not that I am experiencing a physical death of any kind but rather a death of my own wishes, my own selfish desires, my own flesh even.  It stinks!  The good thing is this isn't the first time that I have locked myself into a wrestling match with the Lord I love so much but it IS the deepest I have ever gone with Him in looking into my own heart and trying to decide what I am willing to let Him change in me.  Quite honestly? IT HURTS!!!! Letting go of the things that have helped you cope, helped you survive many years, the things that maybe bring you comfort or bring you some semblance of what you call normalcy, is so tough!

Here's the deal...have you ever looked at yourself and thought...I am NOT who I was created to be?  I didn't turn out the way I thought I would or hoped I would!   This summer I started a journey.  So much of the time I feel like I am on some dusty trail that is merely a rut in the desert and I am so darn thirsty for water, the problem is that sometimes I just plain don't want to lay down my cripple stick (yes I said cripple stick) to take hold of the bottle to drink from it.  I want to keep those crutches, hang on to them, doggone it they keep me safe! Now truth be known, deep down, I know they don't really, but so much time and effort has been put in to making me think that I cannot get along without my armor (and I don't mean godly armor but armor that keeps the world out and me in) that I don't really know how to lay it down and stand bare before the Lord.  You would think, after over 20 years of a relationship with Him, I would have it figured out, but I really don't. Or, maybe I do and I just don't want to lay it down yet?  I don't know.  All I know is, the little girl that I started out as, gathered up some pretty horrible scars on her soul along the way, ones that have left me wondering at my inherent value...to anyone!

The strange thing is that sometimes, when I sit alone and am quiet I can almost see what the Lord has for me to become, who I will be some day.  It isn't really clear in my mind yet but as I look down the road, I know He is forming something of eternal value in me, something of a whole new way of me being me.  I cannot see it yet but one thing I have to my advantage (besides a husband who is willing to stand by me) is that in my 20 plus years of getting to know the Lord, I have come to understand that He is not going to let me stay the way that I am, He is changing me...from glory to glory.

Pastor Arte echoed words from our good friend Pastor Mike today:  "Its one thing to be committed to the Lord, its another to surrender!"  Yes it certainly is and walking down the path I have been on...I absolutely get the difference.....