A Little While In The Making...

While we were in Nebraska I promised my sister in law I would blog our trip and though I have written at least three blogs since being home, I have been unable to hit the "publish post" button.  No post, no blog seems to do my feelings, my observations, any justice.  I can't get the words out that I want to say, that I really want to convey about "how" I am or "what" I feel.  One minute I am fine and the next something will orbit me into this place of thinking about dad in ways I honestly haven't thought of him in years.  Unbidden, memories will come flooding into my consciousness and it is, or has been, rather perplexing.  I know why, don't get me wrong, I just am so uncomfortable with it all that I am still, well of course still, wrapping my mind around it all.  I will be driving down the road and suddenly hear my dad laugh in my head or see him rub his hands together and sniff or stick a pipe in his mouth and I swear I can smell Cherry vanilla pipe smoke.  All of the memories I have of my dad have always been exceedingly precious to me but now they are priceless as I ponder the reality of at least 40 more years without him...I will probably have lived as many years with him as without him...isn't that a concept? (yes, I plan on growing very old)

My daddy meant the world to me. Sweet and funny, kind and gentle, he made me feel safe.  Of course, he had his flaws and made his share of very bad mistakes but in the ultimate end of it all, those things aren't what is important. I must admit though, lately, I have been feeling the sense of loss at not having had him for the biggest bulk of my life. I have worked through so much of the loss of my dad long before now so I can only say (as my friend Paula said to me last night, "thank you Lord for healing me ahead of time" but I am finding a few fresh wounds upon my heart that are quite unexpected.  Yesterday as I drove along down the road I kept thinking about my life and the joy I have had in it. The blessings of the Lord have been so abundant in our family that so many times I am just taken aback. I had been talking to a dear sweet lady about my life, my past with my dad, and she began weeping FOR me! I reassured her that I had had a very good life and she said "oh Lucy I feel so sad for what you endured" and as we talked she saw that I am doing okay but later, as I said, I drove along thinking about my life and about what I have experienced (most people don't know that my dad wasn't even a part of my life from the time I was about 10 until 10 years ago, except for a couple of visits) I kept coming back to the question..."why HAVE I been so happy, what IS it that made me be able to endure the things that have hurt me so much?" One?  My husband.  He has been there through it all, holding me when I cried, reassuring me that all would be well and loving me when I was so unlovable and unbearable. He has been such an amazing friend to me over the years and when I thought I couldn't bear one more day of something, he would smile at me and make me laugh and forget how much I hurt and life could go on.  He is the best gift I ever got from our Lord.  Two?  Our kids...I have bragged and bragged on them in my blogs already but I want to say one thing...when I found out that dad had died, they rallied around like the most amazing adults that they are...ALL of them.  They would text or call John to check on me, trying to give me space I needed to work things out and to hurt and to be with my sisters and they let me know how much they were worried about me and loved me.  Talk about salve for the heart! Three?  My sisters...what an eye opener for me this last season of time has been in regard to my sissies! I haven't always been so grateful for all the watchful eyes upon me in my life! I have often been very frustrated at their protection and concern for me that usually just seemed very unsolicited and annoying!  BUT, I cannot tell you what a change of heart I have had in regards to them.  I felt like I was in a cocoon as I sat with them during our time in Nebraska.  I felt their love and concern for me and I felt like they understood the unique grieving I was doing in regards to my own loss about dad.  I was the one who had him the least, is what I mean by unique.  It was such an eyeopening experience for me and I am filled with gratitude for them.  My oldest sister Carol still calls me her baby (and it makes me feel special not bothered) my sister Penny and I laugh together in whole new ways and I have such a sense of what she gave up to "raise" me and how much she loves us and protected us. It is really nice to have them in my life.  Four? Awesome friends (and family), whom, without them, I would NOT be what I am today, a strong woman of faith, a lover of Jesus, a woman who can walk without fear and trepidation and a woman who knows the truth, not even to mention knows she is loved! Praise God!

Yes, I am happy...Yes, I am terribly sad and Yes, I am healing.  It won't happen over night and it won't happen without the Lord and all the aboves help, but I KNOW that I will be okay. I know that I will go on and I know that one day, I will see my precious daddy in heaven and THAT....is priceless.....

I DO have some funny stories about our trip and I will relate them later...I have a little bit of writers block when it comes to them as so much happened and I am having a hard time relating to it all and placing it in its proper place!  I feel a little lost without all the family around and I wish we could have had a few more days or hours even.  Carol said it best when, at the airport drop off she looked at us and proclaimed, with tears in her eyes, "I'm just not ready to be apart yet" and we all nodded, feeling the exact same way.  To say we laughed a lot is a HUGE understatement and some of the time I do not even remember what we were laughing about...(JASON!) but it was a very very good time and so much good came out of it!

Isn't God GOOD??????

In front of the Palmer, Nebraska water tower (almost in dads front yard)

Back Row: Bill Broner (Teri's guy), John and Richard (Penny's husband)
Middle Row: Cecil (the one with the Creek hat on and Carol's husband) Carol (lt. blue hat) Penny (white coat), Teri (short gray hair)
Front Row: Jim, Connie and me!