Sisters and hard decisions.....

My heart is torn in so many different directions tonight. I feel upset that we can't do anything to get dad out of his situation and into the one he wants, to go home, and it hurts to know that he is being so stubborn and onery. Carol and Cecil are back on their way home today after saying goodbye to dad. I wish we all could have been there together, it was so much easier when it was us four, I hated that she was there alone and yet leaned on the fact that she WAS there. Its a little sister thing.

I feel torn that things with dad are entering their final stage and I don't know what to do about how I feel. I feel upset, I feel almost angry, I feel sad and I feel melancholy. Its okay, I'm okay, I just need to sort it all out but its hard, knowing that someone whom I love so much and yet know so little and is alone, is dying, will die, in the near future. He apparently wants to be alone, wants to do it his way and I am sad that we tried so hard to get him what he wanted, to go home, and yet we did not accomplish that. It breaks my heart. He is a kind gentle man and yet a man with the same flaws that we all have, some more than others I am sure. I wish so many things. Not out of a sense of immense regret, its not like that, but out of a sense of grief. There is no point in wishing for something that never happened and I can never have back, I have reckoned myself to it all, but, on some level, with the end so near, I have to admit that it was never what I wanted it to be and there is no chance for it to be different. And yet, in knowing that, I feel comforted and held by the Lord. I don't know how to say this goodbye, this end. I DO know that the Lord will be there, holding me, caring for me, watching over me. He is my father, He has always been my father and I have not wanted for that kind of love. I am grateful.

Isn't God good? Even when we don't understand or know what to do He remains steady, He remains faithful and He never gives up on us. I so don't deserve what He does for me. I so need Him to walk beside me right now and hold my hand and I am grateful for the wisdom of my sis who had to make a hard decision for dads wellbeing and I am glad that she was willing to step out in faith and make that happen, knowing she heard the Lord. Sometimes its not easy to do the right thing, in Genesis we learned that the right thing to do is the hard thing to do, but Penny did that and I am glad, Carol did that and it gave us all a little peace for a bit, knowing she was there. I have sisters who are awesome and I cannot even begin to thank the Lord enough for them.

Well, guess I've sorted a few things out for myself, now its time to go have a hard conversation with someone I love but pushed away.