Checking in

Connie, Dad, Penny(in the back) Me, Teri (foreground) and Reba-dads dog

I know that a few of you have been checking my blog as a way of checking on me and I am so grateful for that. After getting home I ended up going right back to work, which was fine, but by Wednesday afternoon, I had hit a wall. I was so exhausted I could barely move, barely think and certainly functioning was quite limited. That night I lay down on the couch by John and promptly fell asleep, awaking only enough to get up and go to bed. Thursday I felt better but by 4 pm I was again wiped out and just plain ready to be done.

I have fought the urge to isolate as I struggle to figure out how I feel about everything that happened while at my dads. I said to a friend tonight that my stepmother denied us our dad for 30 years but she couldn't deny us eternity with him! Only as an adult can I say that because a child so longs for their daddy. Many years I have spent processing what has happened with my dad, much counselling and praying and crying has gone into the letting go of a little girls longing to have her daddy back into her life. The Lord has graciously given me such a tender heart for my father and I will say one thing, I have always, at some level, known my dad loved me. It wasn't until I understood that he was a victim of his own circumstances and his own choices and inner strength, it wasn't a personal rejection of me or who I am. It took me a long long time to see that. I adore my daddy, he is a good man, a funny man and I am so grateful for his gift of life to me. I was able to see that I am a lot like my uncle Larry (as well as my sister Penny) but I also bear a strong resemblance to my dad and that brings me much comfort.

I don't know how to do this thing called "goodbye" and I am glad I get a little bit of time to figure it out. Dad will not be with us much longer, his medical condition is so unstable and so tenuous but he will be afforded the chance to go be with the Lord where he wants to, in his own home. We are continuing to work toward making that happen for him, advocating for his health and making sure he gets what he wants. I ache with the loss of his company and it is pure anguish when he tells me how he misses me and how he just doesn't want to be alone. I don't know what to say to him when he says that and I so want to be there for him. But, I can't, and he knows that and yet remains proud of me, of us. He told me he is telling all the nurses that he has great daughters, they all keep calling him. What a sweetie.

I have so much in my heart but I need to stop long enough to sort it all out. When I do, I will certainly be writing some of it down here. Thanks for checking up on me. I am good.